Historical Insults

Part 2 of my 'research' on insults is actually a forward I got a couple of days back. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words that we liberally use... :)

Kicking off with some classics from the incomparable Sir Winston Churchill who was know for his sharp wit and even sharper tongue...


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill on Sir Stafford Cripps

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

The exchange between Churchill & Bernard Shaw:
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

This one is unconfirmed but is very relevant, isn't it? "Americans always do the right thing, just as soon as they are done trying everything else"

Here are 2 gems from across the Atlantic...

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


And back to Britannia for the rest, resuming with a few of Oscar's wild ones!
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S.Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Count Talleyrand Charles

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

Shakespearean Insults

This one is for all budding hip hop stars and rapsters - so you think you know a foul word or two? Shakespeare, even with his insults, put downs and cussing, was most certainly a master of his trade!



Shakespeare Insult 1 - As You Like It

Thou art like a toad; ugly and venemous.

Shakespeare Insult 2 - The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Thou subtle, perjur'd, false, disloyal man!

Shakespeare Insult 3 - The Tempest

Thine forward voice, now, is to speak well of thine friend; thine backward voice is to utter foul speeches and to detract.

Shakespeare Insult 4 - Measure For Measure

Thou art a flesh-monger, a fool and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 5 - All's Well That Ends Well

A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

Shakespeare Insult 6 - Cymbeline

Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Shakespeare Insult 7 - Henry IV Part 2

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Shakespeare Insult 8 - All's Well That Ends Well

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Shakespeare Insult 9 - The Winter's Tale

My wife's a hobby horse!

Shakespeare Insult 10 - Troilus and Cressida

Thou art as loathsome as a toad.

Shakespeare Insult 11 - Macbeth

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy.

Shakespeare Insult 12 - Henry IV Part 1

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

Shakespeare Insult 13 - Measure for Measure

A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 14 - Henry IV Part 1

That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

Shakespeare Insult 15 - Henry IV Part 1

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

Shakespeare Insult 16 - Henry IV Part 1

Peace, ye fat guts!

Shakespeare Insult 17 - Henry V

There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

Shakespeare Insult 18 - Richard III

Thou poisonous bunch-back'd toad!

Shakespeare Insult 19 - Richard III

Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

Shakespeare Insult 20 - Hamlet

Thou are pigeon-liver'd and lack gall.

Shakespeare Insult 21 - All's Well That Ends Well

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Shakespeare Insult 22 - Henry V

Thine face is not worth sunburning.

Shakespeare Insult 23 - As You Like It

Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.

Shakespeare Insult 24 - Henry IV Part

You are as a candle, the better burnt out.

Shakespeare Insult 25 - Hamlet

If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

Shakespeare Insult 26 - Measure For Measure

Thy sin's not accidental, but a trade.

Shakespeare Insult 27 - Cymbeline

Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Shakespeare Insult 28 - All's Well That Ends Well

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Shakespeare Insult 29 - All's Well That Ends Well

A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

Shakespeare Insult 30 - Henry IV part 2

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Shakespeare Insult 31 - Macbeth

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy.

Shakespeare Insult 32 - All's Well That Ends Well

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Shakespeare Insult 33 - Troilus and Cressida

Thou art as loathsome as a toad.

Shakespeare Insult 34 - Measure for Measure

A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 35 - Henry IV part 1

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

Shakespeare Insult 36 - Henry IV part 1

That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

Shakespeare Insult 37 - Henry IV part 1

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

Source: http://www.nosweatshakespeare.com/resources/shakespeare-insults.htm