Saturday, November 28, 2009

William Shakespeare: Love Guru

William Shakespeare was quite the Guru of Love as the following verses from his plays prove... Here's presenting selected gems from Shakespeare on Love starting with the arguably the most famous of them all:

Twelfth Night - Act 1, Scene 1
If music be the food of love, play on

Much Ado About Nothing - Act 2, Scene 1
Speak low if you speak love

Antony & Cleopatra - Act 1, Scene 1
There's beggary in love that can be reckoned

A Midsummer Night's Dream - Act 1, Scene 2
The course of true love never did run smooth

Much Ado About Nothing - Act 3, Scene 2
Love goes by haps; Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps

Antony & Cleopatra - Act 5, Scene 5
The stroke of death is as a lovers pinch, Which hurts and is dersired

Henry VI Part 1 - Act 5, Scene 2
She's beautiful, and therefore to be wooed; She is woman, and therefore to be won

A Midsummer Night's Dream - Act 1, Scene 1
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind

The Tempest - Act 3, Scene 1
Hear my soul speak. Of the very instant that I saw you, Did my heart fly at your service

As You Like It - Act 3, Scene 5
Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?

Romeo & Juliet - Act 1, Scene 1
Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs

King Lear - Act 1, Scene 1
I love you more than workds can wield the matter, Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty

The Two Gentlemen of Verona - Act 3, Scene 1
Love is like a child, That longs for everything it can come by

As You Like It - Act 3, Scene 4
The sight of lovers feedeth those in love

The Two Gentlemen of Verona - Act 3, Scene 1
Whiat is light, if Sylvia be not seen? What is joy if Sylvia be not by?

The Merchant of Venice - Act 2, Scene 6
Love is blind, and lovers cannot see, The pretty follies that themselves commit

Historical Insults

Part 2 of my 'research' on insults is actually a forward I got a couple of days back. These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words that we liberally use... :)

Kicking off with some classics from the incomparable Sir Winston Churchill who was know for his sharp wit and even sharper tongue...

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill on Sir Stafford Cripps

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

The exchange between Churchill & Bernard Shaw:
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
Winston Churchill, in response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

This one is unconfirmed but is very relevant, isn't it? "Americans always do the right thing, just as soon as they are done trying everything else"

Here are 2 gems from across the Atlantic...

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

And back to Britannia for the rest, resuming with a few of Oscar's wild ones!
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S.Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Count Talleyrand Charles

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

The Unforgiven | Original Short Story

This is my second attempt at writing (and illustrating) a short story - do tell me what you think...

As he stumbled out of the bar, Jay knew he had again drunk one too many. It was a particularly cold January night in Calcutta. Park Street was deserted except for the lonely prostitute on her beat at the crossing. He wished that he could just go back in and fumbled about for change. His luck was as empty as his pockets. With a wry smile, he knew it was time to stagger on. He adjusted the hood of his threadbare sweatshirt, half thanking the smugglers who had stolen the gora sahib’s generous donation to the Missionaries of Charity, and plugged his walkman on.

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small,
By giving you no time instead of it all,
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all…

Jay trudged down Park Street, shivering every time the cruel wind teased him. As he passed by the Post Office, his mind wandered back to his schooldays. His alma mater was just down the road but he hadn’t been there in a while. Fueled by hazy meandering memories, he crossed the road, longing to see where it all started.

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school,
They hate you if you're clever and they despise a fool,

Till you're so fucking crazy you can't follow their rules…

Standing in front of the familiar pale yellow grandiose facade of his school, Jay broke into a crazed guffaw! Indeed this is where it had all started. The starting of the end. His faithfully middleclass parents had been over the moon when Jay had been admitted to the most prestigious school in the city. After all, it almost guaranteed that their dear son was on his way to make it in life. However, a boys’ school on the inside can be as unforgiving as a jail and unfortunately Jay soon found out. Battered by his teachers’ barbs and his mates’ bloody blows, Jay was a submissive wreck by the time he finally passed out of school.

The constable keeping vigil at the Police Station across the road had been rudely disturbed from his slumber by Jay’s laughter. He sought retribution and charged towards Jay.

It was a familiar scene for Jay and he beat a trained hasty retreat towards Wood Street. He knew that the obese constable would not waste his breath on scum like him for long. Such parasites were not worth a paisa in kamai and would just add to the rotting souls in the lockup. Anyway, even in his drunken stupor, Jay could outrun the havaldar. On this night however, Jay was momentarily tempted to stop and get into the snug comforts of the lockup… anything was better than the January cold!

As he had turned into Short Street, Jay slowed down to catch his breath. His bloodshot beady eyes scoured the footpath for the momentary salvation from nicotine - a cigarette stub was gold. At least he had his song for company…

When they've tortured and scared you for twenty odd years,
Then they expect you to pick a career,

When you can't really function you're so full of fear…

But, fear had become alien to him. It had died the day he was first thrashed by a mob for having got caught picking a babu’s pocket. That is the career destiny chose for him for. He had chosen to be an engineer like any other Bengali bhalo chele and cleared the JEE with flying colours. The entrance coaching classes had been his safe haven from the school bullies . Besides, engineering, he was told, was the ticket to the good life. After all, India was in the midst an IT boom.

His plans exploded in his face the day he stepped inside the sprawling South Calcutta university campus. He was forcibly inducted by members of the student union. Dharnas and ganja replaced classes and exams. The new found power had corrupted his fragile mind. The more he craved for violence and weed, the more his life tailspun out of control. With their pride prematurely snuffed out, his parents had no choice but abandon him...

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV,
And you think you're so clever and classless and free,
But you're still fucking peasants as far as I can see…

Swoosh! A car nearly ran him down at the Loundon Street crossing. The shock jolted him back to the present misery. He stumbled back up on his feet and adjusted the volume on his walkman. He had found it in the bag he had remorselessly stolen from the old mashima yesterday. The cassette was his sole remnant from his college days.

Tears streamed down his dirty cheeks. He knew he had tried to be a working class hero, but that was not to be. Never mind what Johnny sang to him...

There's room at the top they are telling you still,
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill,
If you want to be like the folks on the hill,

A working class hero is something to be.
If you want to be a hero well just follow me…

If you've enjoyed reading this, do check out my first short story "Phantasama"

All characters and events are fictional and any resemblance to persons living, dead, or fictional or situations past, present, or fictional is purely and completely coincidental. And of course, the song is "Working Class Hero" by John Lennon...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Shakespearean Insults

This one is for all budding hip hop stars and rapsters - so you think you know a foul word or two? Shakespeare, even with his insults, put downs and cussing, was most certainly a master of his trade!

Shakespeare Insult 1 - As You Like It

Thou art like a toad; ugly and venemous.

Shakespeare Insult 2 - The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Thou subtle, perjur'd, false, disloyal man!

Shakespeare Insult 3 - The Tempest

Thine forward voice, now, is to speak well of thine friend; thine backward voice is to utter foul speeches and to detract.

Shakespeare Insult 4 - Measure For Measure

Thou art a flesh-monger, a fool and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 5 - All's Well That Ends Well

A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

Shakespeare Insult 6 - Cymbeline

Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Shakespeare Insult 7 - Henry IV Part 2

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Shakespeare Insult 8 - All's Well That Ends Well

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Shakespeare Insult 9 - The Winter's Tale

My wife's a hobby horse!

Shakespeare Insult 10 - Troilus and Cressida

Thou art as loathsome as a toad.

Shakespeare Insult 11 - Macbeth

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy.

Shakespeare Insult 12 - Henry IV Part 1

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

Shakespeare Insult 13 - Measure for Measure

A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 14 - Henry IV Part 1

That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

Shakespeare Insult 15 - Henry IV Part 1

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!

Shakespeare Insult 16 - Henry IV Part 1

Peace, ye fat guts!

Shakespeare Insult 17 - Henry V

There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.

Shakespeare Insult 18 - Richard III

Thou poisonous bunch-back'd toad!

Shakespeare Insult 19 - Richard III

Thou art unfit for any place but hell.

Shakespeare Insult 20 - Hamlet

Thou are pigeon-liver'd and lack gall.

Shakespeare Insult 21 - All's Well That Ends Well

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Shakespeare Insult 22 - Henry V

Thine face is not worth sunburning.

Shakespeare Insult 23 - As You Like It

Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.

Shakespeare Insult 24 - Henry IV Part

You are as a candle, the better burnt out.

Shakespeare Insult 25 - Hamlet

If thou wilt needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you make of them.

Shakespeare Insult 26 - Measure For Measure

Thy sin's not accidental, but a trade.

Shakespeare Insult 27 - Cymbeline

Thy tongue outvenoms all the worms of Nile.

Shakespeare Insult 28 - All's Well That Ends Well

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.

Shakespeare Insult 29 - All's Well That Ends Well

A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.

Shakespeare Insult 30 - Henry IV part 2

You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!

Shakespeare Insult 31 - Macbeth

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver'd boy.

Shakespeare Insult 32 - All's Well That Ends Well

Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.

Shakespeare Insult 33 - Troilus and Cressida

Thou art as loathsome as a toad.

Shakespeare Insult 34 - Measure for Measure

A flesh monger, a fool, and a coward.

Shakespeare Insult 35 - Henry IV part 1

Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!

Shakespeare Insult 36 - Henry IV part 1

That trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?

Shakespeare Insult 37 - Henry IV part 1

You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's-pizzle, you stock-fish--O for breath to utter what is like thee!-you tailor's-yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Stay Hungry Stay Foolish

This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college. Truth be told, this is the closest I've ever gotten to a college graduation. Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That's it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.

I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out?

It started before I was born. My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption. She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl. So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: "We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?" They said: "Of course." My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents' savings were being spent on my college tuition. After six months, I couldn't see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made. The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn't interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn't all romantic. I didn't have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends' rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple. I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed. Because I had dropped out and didn't have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this. I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can't capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography. If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them. If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do. Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees. We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired. How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out. When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn't know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down - that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly. I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did. The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn't see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world. In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple's current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it. Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don't lose faith. I'm convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did. You've got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don't settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn't even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months. My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor's code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you'd have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor. I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I'm fine now.

This was the closest I've been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch. This was in the late 1960's, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age. On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous. Beneath it were the words: "Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish." It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

Monday, November 23, 2009

The View from Wimpy's @ Churchgate

Living in Mumbai means matching its frenetic pace. Everyone's in a hurry all the time - paisa time aur time paisa. So if one has the time to sit down at a fast food joint to blog and sip cold coffee, you know he's not from town! Well actually 'town' in Mumbai's context would refer to SoBo or South Bombay... in that context I am not from town. I live in a PG in the 'burbs like millions others who have come here to eke out a livelihood. The situation is not much different from the eighties movies which had a classic scene showing a fresh-off-the-boat ... err, train hero with his steel trunk and holdall looking around, awestruck with the buzz that greets him. Hassled and harrowed, our intrepid hero is engulfed by the big bad city - much like me.

Anyway back to Churchgate. The clock has just struck eight but the crowds are far from thin and if I don't shutdown and run, I'll miss my 8:03 Borivili fast local!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Amul-ya Sachin

On a day that Sachin scored his 43rd Century and scaled the 30,000 international runs peak in the Test Match that marks the commencement of his 21st year in International Cricket, here's a look back at the Life and Times of the master through some legendary Amul advertisements...

One Morning at CST or Victoria Terminus

Yeh Dilli Hain Meri Jaan

You know when one is from Delhi when:

1. ...they drink only on Monday , Wednesday , and Thursday to Sunday evenings. And try not drinking on Tuesday

2. ...treating a friend means - Daaru Shaaru te kabbab shabbab.

3. ...even in the most posh colonies, you hear, "Aloo lelo! Bhindi le lo! Pyaaz le lo! Tamatar le lo!"

4. ... And you hear women asking the vegetable vendor "Bhaiyaa dhaniya hari mirchi nahi diya!" [Even with Half a kilo Carrot - Dhania & Hari Mirch is expected free ] ;-)

5. ... a place to meet is moc-ha, (CCD), Barista, Hookah

6. ... they use the word "setting" or "jugad" at-least once a day.

7. … they have not visited any of the following – Qutub Minar, Red Fort, Lotus Temple. It is for tourists.

8. ... they on the cycle rickshaw - haggle over the price but still pity rickshaw wallas' condition and g i ve him what he asked.

9. ... they glare at people who call Gol-Guppas- Pani Puri!

10. ... they always ask the vendor "Bhaiya yeh Gol-Guppe Aate ki hai ya Sooji ke?"

11. ... schooling is best is Delhi not because of CBSE but because......You've had school cancelled thrice due to cold in winters & summer vacations pre-poned due to sudden increase heat in Summers and at least two Rainy Day off during Monsoon.

12. ... they have been to a wedding at a Mehrauli farmhouse at least once.

13. ... they understand all important words in Punjabi & punjabi "helping verbs" like teri maa di, teri bahen di... oye madar ... oye bahen.....Almost every Delhiite understands Punjabi to an extent. PUNJABI unites everyone.

14. ... they call the waiter in the restaurant "boss" or "Pappey" & tack on "yaar"/ "bhai" to almost every sentence.

15. ... they know that Pappay Da Dhaba or Kakkay Da Hotel has better butter chicken than Taj.

16. ... they describe practically every other person on the planet as "Vella". (that’s 'Idle' in English or ‘Nikamma’ in Punjabi)

17. ... they see Middle Aged Aunties wearing Gucci shades and holding LV bags having Gol-Gappas in GK or Bhelpuri in South Ex along with Diet Coke !

18. ... they call every stranger 'Bhaiya' (Warning: Don’t try this in Mumbai!)

19. ... they refer to East Delhi as "Jamuna Paar".

20. ... they refer to AIIMS as Medical.

21.... pretty girls as Totta, Maal or Bamb (Punjabi for Bomb)

22. ... aashiq mizaz boys as Majnu di Aulad!

23. ... they don’t buy tickets for a music concert or cricket match, but try to use political contacts of the deputy secretary of the chief secretary of the Minister of State for Khadi – in fact they use "contacts" (jugad) for everything, from getting movie tickets to restaurant bookings to playschool admissions.

24. ... they overtake everyone from the wrong side and stare into his/her eyes while doing so.

25. ... they have at least two cars and a motorcycle at home.

26. ... they have fought at least once every month with neighbors over parking!

27. ... they park their Car and take an Auto-rickshaw to Lajpat nagar / rajouri/ kamla nagar/ karol bagh. But CP , you don’t get parking space easily , yet you go always in your own vehicle.

28. ...and then say Apni Kanvense (conveyance) howe na ta badi Kanvinyance (convenience) hondi hai ji!

29. ... they have hit 120 kmph at Nelson Mandela Marg and waited for midnight to do it.

30. ...they have bribed a traffic policeman at-least once - every month.

31. ... they know that a farmhouse has nothing to do with cattle or farming. It is luxurious hangout for whole night.

32. ... they have had Anda parantha outside Vikram hotel and Bun Omelet at Dhaula Kuan, Kulfi at Karol Bagh , Gol Gappe at India Gate, Dosa at Madras Hotel and Chaat at Chandini Chowk !

34. ... Metro rail is your Pride but you travel in your Car.

35. ... they call people from north east chinkis. (And we Indians complain of racist attacks in Australia!)

36. ... you think EVERY South Indian comes from ' Madras' and is Madrasi. (Read Chetan Bhagat’s “2 States” to understand this better!)

37. ...You feel indicating which way you are going to turn your vehicle is an information security leak.

38. ... you are a good driver coz you are correct in your guess of what the driver in the front vehicle will do.

39. ... the only time you went to the Chidiya Ghar (Zoo) was on a school picnic.

40. ....they expect around 10 FM STATIONS in every city!

41. ....and keep singing ..... Dilli hai Dil Walon ki.....Oye Balle Balle!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

BSC: A tale of shoes, degrees and strategy!

Back in the day, BSC meant shoes - yes I am getting on and have walked the earth for many moons - but honestly anyone who grew up in the stiflingly socialistic unliberalised eighties will remember the white keds (or PT shoes) made by BSC (Bata Shoe Company) that you had to "polish" with chalk or else risk getting your ears boxed by your fat-ass PT teacher!

As one grew up and it was time to bid adieu to school, BSC was a degree that 'losers' who did not qualify for Engineering studied - of course before my time, BSC was a perfectly honourable graduation course to opt for - and one could specialise in sciences from zoology to physics! It is another story that in "competitive" exams, today's engineering hopefuls with telephone number ranks also get admission into an engineering course and go on to become engineers... perhaps on their way to becoming MBAs?

Anyway while we are on the subject on MBA, I must delve into how MBA changed my perspective for life... ignorance is bliss? Alas no more! For it was MBA that (regrettably?) introduced me BSC in a whole light - the demon called Balanced ScoreCard , "a performance management tool for measuring whether the smaller-scale operational activities of a company are aligned with its larger-scale objectives in terms of vision and strategy!" (Say What!?)

The demon has now come back to haunt me at work... must be karma for sleeping in class each time the professor droned on the subject! Damn you Kaplan & Norton...

Anyway here is an insider's take on strategy, vision, mission, goals, et all... enjoy! (My way of exorcising the demon... God Bless Scott Adams!)

Just so you know, has 158 definitions of BSC - check it out here!